Being in constant conflict is stressful and tiring. Most people try hard to avoid conflict situations, but there are some people who enjoy arguing and even appear to be addicted to remaining in a state of conflict with another. 

 

People who feed on conflict often refuse to cooperate or compromise. Staying in a fight makes them feel heard and seen.  Someone with a conflict habit often finds it hard to step away from conflict, especially if they think they have not as yet proven their point.  This can trap the other person into a cycle of endless arguments and back-and forth communication without any resolution. No matter why the other person may keep on arguing, it is critical that each person assesses what they might be doing from their side to keep the dispute alive. 

 

WHY FATIGUE IS AN IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION WITH CONFLICT ADDICTION

 

When you are tired, it is so much harder to control what you say. You may react without thinking and get drawn into pointless fights. In a conflict, it’s important to call a timeout on the arguing. Do this even if the other person does not want to take a pause.

 

Critically, not every issue needs to be solved right away. Waiting until everyone has calmed down before resuming a discussion, ensures that everyone has a chance to think clearly before talking. 

 

THE ROLE OF BIAS IN CONFLICT ADDICTION 

Everyone has a bias in favour of or against something.   If left unchecked, this bias or belief will ongoingly re-fuel an argument.  Before anyone accuses another of bias, they should ideally check if they too have a bias on the matter. They need to deal with their bias before turning their attention to the other person.

 

The best way to point out a bias to another is to do it gently and with humility. Keep your tone calm. Give the person you are talking to space to think about what you are saying. Avoid sounding aggressive.

 

Remember, you might be wrong too.

 

BREAKING THE CYCLE OF CONFLICT ADDICTION 

 

• Try to take a step back emotionally from the problem.

• Remember the fight is often about the other person’s inner struggles, it is not always about you and what you have done or said (or not said or done).

• Listen carefully to what the person says and show them that you understand what they are saying by repeating it back to them (they will feel heard by this act)

• Ask them for ideas to on how they think the problem can be solved,  and share your own possible solutions with them as well.

• Give their suggestions a fair chance to see if it will work, and ask for the same in return.

• If you can’t find a solution, consider getting outside help.

 

You can’t control how others act, but you can control how you respond in a stressful situation.