Preparing for Divorce Mediation in South Africa

Understanding the Mediation Process Before You Begin

 

Preparing for divorce mediation can sometimes feel emotionally overwhelming and uncertain. When communication has broken down, it can be difficult to know how to move a matter forward. Mediation creates a safe space to talk. This page will guide you through what to expect and how mediation works, so that you can approach the process with clarity.

 

What Happens During a Divorce Mediation?

 

Mediation provides the parties with an opportunity to discuss the issues in dispute in a structured and respectful environment. The process is guided by a mediator, whose primary role is to: (i) assist the parties with communication, (ii) manage the process constructively, and (iii) support the parties in exploring practical and future-focused solutions together.

Discussions during mediation may include (where relevant) issues pertaining to parenting arrangements, family communication difficulties, spousal and child maintenance, financial matters, and any other issues relevant to a family’s particular circumstances.

Mediation takes place step by step and at a manageable pace, allowing parties the opportunity to: (i) reflect on their fears, needs and concerns, (ii) carefully identify and consider possible options for resolution, and (iii) work towards outcomes that are both workable and sustainable for the future of the family.

 

The Advantages of Preparing for Divorce Mediation

 

A mediation is seldom finalized in one session.  It is accordingly always a good idea to spend time preparing for a mediation.

Preparing for a divorce or family mediation should ideally happen before the start of each mediation session. You are not expected to have everything resolved before starting mediation as the process is designed to work through matters on a step by step basis. When preparing for a mediation, it is always a good idea to start off by having regard to the following: 

• The nature of the issues in dispute,

• Possible outcomes for a matter,

• The least damaging options available to each party,

• How the other party may perceive the dispute, and

• What their best possible outcome would potentially look like.

The more prepared parties are for a family mediation, the greater the likelihood that they will experience the benefits of the process and the greater the likelihood of increased productivity of time and beneficial outcome during the mediation session. 

Preparing Emotionally for Mediation

 

Mediation generally takes place during periods of heightened emotional uncertainty, stress and significant change. Parties engaging in a family or divorce mediation process are accordingly encouraged to approach the process with patience, openness and a willingness to participate in constructive discussion, even where communication may have become difficult.

Parties are always reminded that it is not necessary to have everything resolved before the start of mediation. The process is a controlled and structured one. It encourages parties to step back from the heightened emotions they may be experiencing, to look at the issues on a step-by-step basis, and to create space for careful reflection, discussion and future-focused problem solving.

 

Communication During the Process

 

Good communication is the cornerstone of a successful mediation. At its core, effective communication is respectful, dignified and constructive.

Even where communication may have become strained or emotionally difficult for the parties, the mediation process is designed to assist them in:

• slowing discussions down,

• clarifying any misunderstandings which may have contributed to the heightened acrimony, and

• creating space for more thoughtful and productive dialogue.

 

Issues to Consider When Preparing for a Divorce Mediation:

• Determine what the conflict is about.

• Write down all the issues involved in the conflict.

• Assess what the conflict is about from the other parties’ perspective? What are their potential issues?

• Consider all the issues that you and the other party agree on?

• What are the issues that you and the other party disagree on?

 

Think About the Prevailing Misunderstandings 

• Unpack the conflict and now carefully assess whether aspects of the conflict have potentially been exacerbated through a misunderstanding on your side or the other party’s side. What is this misunderstanding? How can this misunderstanding be rectified? 

 

The Power of an Apology 

• Do you owe the other party an apology and if yes, how should you ideally apologize? 

• Does the other party owe you an apology and in what form?

• Apologies can play a powerful role in repairing misunderstandings and shifting the tone of a conflict. You can read more about this in our article on the Power of an Apology in Mediation.

 

Additional Supporting Documentation 

• Are there any supporting documents that you need for the mediation process. How will these documents assist you with the resolution of the issues in dispute? 

• What documents would you require the other party to produce in order to assist with the possible resolution of the matter?

 

Brain-Storm Your Options 

• Consider your options – what would you like to achieve with mediation?

• What would be the least detrimental outcome for everyone involved in this conflict?

• What do you want to preserve and what would you be willing to be flexible on or let go?

 

Outcomes 

• What do you think matters most to the other person?

• What outcome do you think the other person would like to achieve?

 

Watna and Batna 

• If the mediation is not successful then what is your next best option and what is the likely outcome hereof from time, costs, and results perspective?

• What are the risks and uncertainties you are having to consider?

 

Communication Styles 

• Think about the other party’s communication and negotiation styles – what aspects of it are uncomfortable for you or trigger a negative outburst or response?

• How do you think you can/should ideally handle this if and when it takes place?

 

Pressing Issues for Urgent Discussion 

• Are there are any pressing issues that need to be finalized early on in the process – what are these issues?

• What are the options?

• What outcome is needed?

• How might the other party respond to these issues? Why?

 

Mediation is a process that allows matters to be addressed in a structured and considered way. It provides a space to work through what is often difficult, with the aim of reaching outcomes that are workable and sustainable.