This quote captures something I see so often in mediation (and in life too)…
When we feel hurt or attacked, it’s so tempting to meet fire with fire. But fire only escalates the conflict. Real resolution comes when someone has the courage to bring “water” instead.
Water lowers the emotional temperature.
While anger is hot, fierce, and flame-like, water is calm, soothing, and reflective.
Choosing to bring water to a high conflict situation is not weak, it is wise and it is strategic !
Sure, it takes a great of mental control and a lot of emotional intelligence to respond softly when emotions are burning hot. But there is also the reward of knowing that you did not participate in burning down the bridge but rather doused the flames before they could get to the bridge.
Water shows up in many small but powerful ways:
* a soft, gentle response
* a silent pause before speaking
* empathic listening that seeks to understand
* a reflective question that opens up the heart of the issue
* a non-confrontational and non-revengeful presence
“Water” is self-control in the face of potential destruction.
As a mediator, I so often get to witness how fast things can escalate when people start mirroring each other’s anger:
* A glare is met with a glare.
* A sharp tone receives a sharper tone.
* And, a disagreement suddenly spirals into threats and counter-threats.
What I’m most grateful for in those moments, before the fire consumes the relationship, is the tools at my disposal to cool those flames (fortunately, you do not need to be a mediator to be able to use these tools which include):
* curiosity as to what is actually happening in the mind and heart of the aggrieved person
* quiet, attentive listening
* gentle questioning
* reframing
* reflective enquiry
*giving the agrrieved person the space to be heard
* and many more….
Critically, at the end of the day, water doesn’t just put out a fire it brings healing. And in a conflict situation, that might be the most powerful tool we have to stop the flames from spreading and to reduce the damage before everything is burned beyond repair.