For me, the magic of mediation is most evident when clients move beyond the point of obscurity and begin to voice their true needs and fears. It is in that moment that a conflict starts to shift from something that initially appears intractable to a dispute that is capable of being resolved. Mediators call this the conflict iceberg, because what we see on the surface is rarely what the dispute is truly about.

Above the Surface: Where the Law Works

Above the surface, conflicts often appear clear-cut. The result being that people take their positions, voice their demands, express their legal rights and become entrenched. The law operates in this visible realm of demand, proof and legal procedure. These surface elements are definitely important, but they only tell  part of the story. To remain in this place of defined and defensible legal rights is to only see the tip of the iceberg. This sadly is the place where most disputes get stuck. This is the place of trial and error.

Below the Surface: Where Mediation Begins

Mediators on the other hand are trained to notice what lies beneath the dispute. The place of needs, interests, concerns and unspoken fears. These are the drivers of a dispute. Submerged at the deepest level of a person’s psyche, these drivers are generally invisible. Yet they are profoundly influential and determine the future.

Once these deeper truths concerning why the conflict arose and what is keeping it alive are able to surface, people begin to feel heard and seen. What may have moments earlier felt impossible to resolve, suddenly becomes capable of resolution. Judgement and the sense of being judged gives way to tentative acknowledgement and understanding. When parties begin to understand what lies beneath the surface, they often experience a meaningful shift in perspective about the conflict.

The Point of Obscurity

Between the visible and the hidden, is what I like to call the the point of obscurity. This is the most dangerous place in the dispute. The place where demands are tabled, and needs and concerns concealed. But also the place where anger, hostility, mistrust and fear co-mingle. A thin murky layer of water that hides reality, truth, hope and resolution. Skillfull and sensitive questioning by a mediator coupled with genuine curiosity helps clients move safely through these waters to that place of greater clarity. 

From Obscurity to Insight

Once the depth is plumbed, the journey from obscurity to insight is generally instant and revelatory. For some though the journey may take longer. And may require reflection and time away from the dispute before the full impact of the disclosure concerning the “drivers” of the dispute, is felt. What is clear though is that true resolution arises when there is understanding. Understanding brings transformation. There is no better analogy than the conflict iceberg to illustrate this phenomenon. 

In conclusion, when mediators create conditions for safe communication and model genuine empathy and respect for the dignity of the parties, they also create conditions for transformation of the dispute so that what was once unknown and hidden can become visible and resolvable.